Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”