Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*