Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
put ‘er there pardner!