Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…