[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.