The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
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Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down