her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs