My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀