Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
some things should go without saying
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.