@Parkerlawyer: Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@sofarrsogud: OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BOSS: I don't know you. Do you work here? ME: *sips wine* No. HIM: So your wife does? ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
@darkmatter_wimp: Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this: There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
@awkwardphilippe: ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he'll devour the entire carcass HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?