@Parkerlawyer: Listening to my husband's gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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@roostermustache: Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you'll get no tv for a week Biden:
@kelkulus: If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you're using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
@stevevsninjas: Me: I'm super nervous about this. Bungee Jump Operator: Don't overthink it. Just do it. Me: ok *I punch him in the face and run like hell*