Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Them: You should try keto
Me:
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Breaking news:
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
listen closely
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.