*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
the three branches of government
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles