*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
You know…for fall…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Who called it baking and not making love
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.