Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Only Americans understand
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from