@mdob11: No thank you, I don't need a coaster. I won't be putting my drink down.

@SassMouth8: Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.

@junejuly12: [road trip] My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don't need seatbelts. [hospital] My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@CherylCheryl94: On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

@robrouse: Bin Laden's neighbours interviewed "we had no idea...he just kept himself to himself really..."