@sweetg35: A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

@zachreinert03: I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day

@ask_lorraine: I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

@bobvulfov: [GOP debate] JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation's struggles MODERATOR: what how JK: i went through everyone's mail

@Elizasoul80: Trump, 2 years into his presidency: "What do you mean we can't just file for bankruptcy?"