Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
You Might Also Like
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.