@sixfootcandy: Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror* Trainer: Ma'am, are you having a stroke?

@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

@samalmightysam: You don't love me? Don't worry, the first step is denial.

@SarcasticAlly12: When a kid wants to snuggle it means you're about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

@ninjadinosaur1: If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I'd tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.