@iwearaonesie: me: I bet other husbands don't get put in timeout! wife: I bet they don't put their mother-in-law's phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

@DanMentos: *passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

@ThatsSarcasm: *Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag.

@roostermustache: Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm Lawyer: how high could u raise it before Me:*raises arm over head* like this high

@KngHnryVIII: If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. #inspiration