Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK