*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.