[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum