OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine