I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
The pen is writier than the sword.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation