My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic