Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
The cake is mightier than the sword.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys