Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
January has been Januweary
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog