@weinerdog4life: Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it.
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@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...
@ilovepie84: My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
@errdayhustlah: According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
@kwirkyKerri: That awkward moment when you can't decide if it's just a bad pic or you really look like that.