I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous