[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
O Wise One….
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.