[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
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Taliband
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.