Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”