Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
2022 will be better than 2021
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.