@ValeeGrrl: Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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@dadofbieber: Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9 men.
@Fred_Delicious: [goes to museum of fine art] "Just how fine can this art be, anyway" [sees a vase in a thong] "oh damn"
@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"] Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell. Tim: Our budget is $4 million
@NicestHippo: Symptoms of mental illness: -Hearing voices -Hallucinating -Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts