Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.