Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
You Might Also Like
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?