Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Oh. My. God.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me