Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
me doing my best
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
🤣✨#caturday
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?