Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased