Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
is this store having a stroke wtf
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away