Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
You Might Also Like
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
❤️🦆
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.