Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
You Might Also Like
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*