Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.