little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
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My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.