Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Do not levitate over flowers
“HELP WITH CAT”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I want this so bad
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid