Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
What about a To-Don’t List?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
6. me as a lawyer
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*