Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.