Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My favorite type of men is ramen.