Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.