Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Bro what is this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.