Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.