Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
No chill.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.