LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
dads on road-trips be like
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.