good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good