Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m not stressed
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Potatoes were such a good idea
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.