Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
first you must answer his riddles
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch