Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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I have two kinds of followers
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Ha.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
How high do the levels go?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.